When Words Attack!
Advice For Every Man In A Relationship With A Woman

Let's face it guys, women talk a lot. They talk to their friends. They talk to their friend's friends. They talk to their Mother. They talk to the woman they met waiting for you to meet them for lunch. They wake up talking. They go to sleep talking. Some even talk between those two. They want to talk after sex, before sex, and even during sex. I think Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone so his wife would talk to someone else while they were at home. Have I made my point? Women talk a lot, so it follows that with all this practise they must be very good at it.

The reason I'm telling you this is that 99.9% of men don't realize this. As a result, they blindly think that they can talk their way out of situations. This is like a Little League team thinking they're ready to beat the New York Yankees. The worst part is not just that men are completely out-classed, they don't realize that women create these situations in the first place. It's a trap guys. The sooner you realize that, the better off you are. Women know no matter how big a hole they dig for their trap, the man will dig it deeper. The deeper you dig, the more concessions they'll get from you at the end.

If you think I'm crazy, take a look at ten married households. Look around the house. Now total up the things you see that would be like that in a single man's house. I'm not talking about cleanliness, but look at the decor, the furniture, the pictures, even the paint. Every room, including those that are supposedly "man's domain" shows not just woman's touch, but woman's dominance. Not one area of that house is how the man would want it if he had entirely his own way. This is because women are so skillful with words that you will think you are compromising or even feel guilty about getting your way while doing exactly what she wants.

Okay, we're in over our heads trying to maneuver though a minefield of traps. What can we do about it? Well, in this battle you're going to get killed. So you might as well resign yourself to it and try to have fun with it.

"Where Do You See This Relationship Going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or "upstairs" or "I dunno". She wants a heartfelt expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear.

Questions such as this one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be answered with another question. See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation.

HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?

HER: Do you think she's attractive?
YOU: Who?

HER: Will you marry me?
YOU: Where am I?

HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: Are you pregnant?
HER: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that coming. Try a more surreal approach:

HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: What if I were pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask? Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.
"How Many People Have You Slept With?"

Hmmmmm... Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than 12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting. If the result is greater than 12, then say 12. Let's move on.

"Are You Saying You Want To End It?"

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her, then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

"Notice Anything Different About Me?"

Well, slightly easier. Apart from being a question that is easier to answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern context;

HER: Notice anything different about me? YOU: New apron?

HER: Have you forgotten what today is? YOU: Of course not. It's Thursday.

HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said? YOU: That's nice, dear...

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions.

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