The Top 19 Michael Jackson Parenting Tips

19. Rather than spanking, threaten to have Tito babysit.
18. When the child does something wrong, grab your crotch, thrust it forward, and scream, "BAD!"
17. Elephant Man bones make a nifty over-the-crib mobile.
16. You should always being willing to share your toys... and so should your child, for that matter.
15. Little friends are always welcome, once they've signed the standard release.
14. Keep baking soda handy to extinguish flaming hair.
13. There's nothing a spoonful of sugar, a big hug, and $15,000,000 can't fix.
12. Teach your child, "Beauty is only skin deep -- but hey, a few face peels never hurt anybody."
11. Wait until your child can effectively bob and weave before allowing him to spend the weekend with his grandpa.
10. At birthday parties, don't leave Elizabeth Taylor unattended at the punch bowl.
9. Snug-fitting diapers will keep you from becoming the "King of Poop."
8. That sheep in the petting zoo is only for Daddy.
7. Teach your child not to spank the monkey.
6. It's OK to love your child, just don't LOVE your child.
5. Frequent plastic surgery keeps your kids feeling and looking *fresh*!
4. Spankings are okay -- but stop if the little tyke's hand gets sore.
3. Let the child pick his nose -- from a catalog.
2. Remove glove *before* changing diaper.

1. Don't let your child play with Madonna's child -- some people are just too WEIRD.

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